so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
