I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
