mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
