You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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