I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
