i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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