I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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