shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
