My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
