she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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