Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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