I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Are we still banned from the library?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
