I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
