don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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