The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You can't motorboat a personality
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
