Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
