I wish my penis had an off switch
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
