Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up under a house in Key West
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