my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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