New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
