Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
