I smell stomach acid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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