She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
