She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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