Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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