Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My vagina is officially offended.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Two words: blizzard sex
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
