Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
