you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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