Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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