I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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