Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I've blown a few things in my day
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
