that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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