I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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