i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
