How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
