Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
