i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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