the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
