There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
