my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
