you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
