just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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