if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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