At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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