they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
