A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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