I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
