Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
