____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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