I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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