sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
