What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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